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Look, if we’re going to be internet friends, I should probably be honest about something. Back in 2002, when he first speed skated onto the scene, I was way into Apolo Anton Ohno. Like, hung-his-Sports-Illustrated-cover-up-in-my-room into. Like considered-taping-his-apprearance-on-TRL into. But I make no apologies (see what I did there?). He was my strain of Olympic fever, with the body of an Olympic-god-made-mortal-on-ice (minus one “l”) and facial hair whose soulfulness could only be matched by that of his eyes. Plus, he wore bandannas and breakdanced, which totally made him legit. All I’m saying is, every four years, he may still have the short track to my heart.